1.01.2018

A Letter to my Baby Boy on his Third Birthday

My Sweet Baby Boy,

As I watched you fall asleep tonight, your eyelashes fluttering with each breath, I was in awe. Where did this big boy come from and where did my baby go? It seems like just yesterday we were meeting for the first time. You in your birthday suit, me in my hospital gown. I remember those first sweet hours we were together where I told you how many fingers and toes you had and what color your eyes were. Above all, I remember telling you that I would do my best to love you with every inch of my soul and that I would do anything in my power to protect you and support you for my entire life. Your little squishy body was so warm and fragile and I remember thinking that I needed to soak this in. I didn't want to take advantage of any moment I had with you. I wished for you for so long and I pledged to cherish every minute with you. And even though I feel like I have done just that, I blinked and here we are, three years later.

Sometimes, if I try really hard, I can still it. I see the baby in you when your bottom lip quivers when you cry, I see it when I look at your little monkey toes, and I still see it when you're playing in the bath tub. But so much of the day, there is a big boy where my baby used to be. When you help me around the house, when you insist on putting your socks and shoes on by yourself, and when you play with other kids, I see the boy you are and the one you are becoming. And every time I see you do something for yourself for the first time, I cannot help but shed a tear for I know that this season is ending. Soon, I will have more alone time, more time for self care, and more nights of not waking up multiple times. You won't want to be with me every second of the day, not leaving me alone long enough to even go to the bathroom by myself. A stubbed toe won't be your biggest hurt and a kiss from Mommy won't make everything instantly better. Soon, you'll roll your eyes when I insist you wear a jacket outside and that sweet voice that calls me "Mommy" will switch to "Mom." You will probably start wanting to hang out with your dad over me and you two will share your own jokes and special bond that I will only witness from the outside, looking in.

Soon, I will no longer be your entire world and while that is exactly how it should be, I cannot help but already mourn the days where all you needed was your mommy by your side. I am sure that I will love each of stage of your life and as I start shifting from main character to supporting cast, I am doing my best to take on my new role with grace and love. For you, my son? You will always be my little boy. You will grow and hopefully find someone, maybe even your own child, to make your life whole just like I did. You are it for me, forever and always. In my heart, you and I are one. Your DNA will forever be intertwined with mine and you will always be my first thought when I wake up and my last before I go to sleep. This, I promise you. But tonight, you still need me. So as I watch your little chest rise and fall as you drift off to sleep, know that I love you, so much, a lot, forever, with all my heart.

Happy birthday my sweet boy and may all your dreams come true.

Love,
Mommy

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